Here are some final thoughts about Glada Änkan that I have published on my website. This was such a special experience and I feel so privileged to have been part of it. You can find a copy of this at http://www.josephineallison.com/NEWSITE_GladaAnkan_popup.html.


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I don’t quite know how to describe the experience of performing in Glada Änkan these last few months at the Folkoperan. I guess because there is something of a tumult of feelings that I am experiencing at the moment now that it has ended. The thing that I am most certain of at the moment, is how much I already miss the beautiful people it was my honour to work with every day: the cast, the crew, the venue staff, everyone. I felt so at home. I came into this show really wondering what my place would be within it. I wasn’t a trained singer, let alone an opera singer, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel intimidated and nervous before we began at the prospect of working so far out of my “field”. But from the first day, I felt really welcomed by this group of beautiful people – who in their own way were facing another kind of challenge, working with a very different perspective on a very established operetta.


I feel like I have learned so much and I am so grateful to Suzanne for choosing me to be in this production and to everyone else who shared their experience, talents and knowledge with me. It gave me the courage to overcome some truly personal “firsts”. I have never had to “speak” so loud to fill such a big room without a microphone (especially when it is full), I have never been on stage for so long every night, and I have never had the courage to sing like that in front of so many people. I had a terrible experience when I was younger. A teacher (isn’t it sadly always a “bad teacher”) convinced me I couldn’t sing (and in a really horrible way) and I withdrew completely from ever doing it. My lack of confidence in singing took a firm deep hold of me, but I still retained my love of doing it anyway (but only at home and when no-one was around). I never thought I would do it in public. I had a few chances (and only very recently) when finally some very good (also performing) friends heard me sing and convinced me I should on stage. I only ever did it very briefly then and I was always so unsure of it. Coming to the opera was an ultimate test for me and I was really insecure about my voice surrounded by such talent. But slowly, and because of the support of everyone else there I slipped in now and again – and actually ended up singing with them through the show at some key points. Finally and perhaps most amazingly for me, I realised a dream that I never thought I could hope to imagine would be something I could ever do. I got to sing solo in an opera house in front of an audience night after night. My utmost gratitude and deep admiration go to Conny and Maria who gave me that chance and welcomed me into what they were doing in the lobby at the interval every night at the show. They were doing a solo performance of jazz/cabaret songs that Maria was singing with her unique fabulous voice and Conny’s magnificent and impassioned accompaniment on the piano. Through our friendship I could talk about my insecurities and they encouraged me to work with them and finally to sing alongside them. They invited me into their space and gave me the courage to really let go and try to express something that I have kept to myself for a really long time. It has been a profound and deeply touching experience, to be able to find my voice that way and to sing alongside these talented individuals. I will never forget that.


And I will never forget how everyone truly encouraged me and helped me and made it possible to step into this, and also to bring what I know to it as well. I know that this was a unique production in many ways for everyone – the way it was staged, its perspective on the material, the challenge to its audience, etc. It was truly an honour therefore, to be encouraged to bring what I know to it. It felt like such a genuine collaboration. And that is something very special. This feeling and the things I have learned here is something I will take away from this and try to bring to the work that I will do in the future.


I will miss everyone so much, and I know that we come from our “different worlds” in many ways, but I really hope we will be able to cross over again, and often. I am looking forward to seeing everyone doing “their thing” very soon in the future and perhaps someday we can do “our thing” together again too.

Hi All,

I am back after a crazy writing period trying to get the chapter done for the deadline. I got it done but am exhausted. This one really kicked my butt and as I read over it, I see the things I definitely want to change but I really do think that there is a workable structure there. Which I think (at least that is what I am holding onto) is the important thing.

So first up, thank you everyone already for everyone's huge support and great comments on this blog, I really really appreciate it. It has made a huge difference to know that people are reading it and it makes sense to them. Your encouragement is invaluable too.

Thank you so so so much.

I thought I would add something quickly though: if you are reading this and you aren't a member of livejournal or aren't logged in, you can absolutely make a comment, but you will be listed as anonymous unless you specify who you are. I would really love to know who to thank for their responses :-).

Anyway, here is the new introduction:

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Okay, today was a slowed day than I would have liked. I was hoping to have much more of this section completed by now, but there one goes. I have worried a little today about summarising trans autobiographical history and also about what I feel at the moment is a lack of citations on (academic) trans theoretical engagements with trans autobiographies. I know for example that Prosser uses them as a source to argue for a consistent and authentic trans subjectivity, and that Califia argues that there is an evolution in trans autobiographies as more "transgressive" trans identities emerge. I also know that nearly all trans theorists at some point cite at least Jorgensen's life and autobiography as seminal parts of trans history. However, I really do wonder if there isn't something a bit more recent and also a bit more focused specifically on trans autobiography. Does anyone know of some source that I have glaringly missed? Roz, I know you have done a lot of work on this subject - do you have anything that you have written that you think would help inform my study here?

Anyway, here is the small amount of writing that I am semi-happy with today. Obviously still needs editing and it is only 550words but still, it's a start:

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The blog seems to be a success already for me – I have had a great discussion with Roz K about the themes that I wrote about yesterday and we are working very much along similar lines and I find that very encouraging indeed. Apart from that conversation (and the promise of more conversations to come with her - yay, thanks so much Roz, can't wait :-)), today I have focused on trying to put together a “brief history” of trans autobiographies. I have gone through the notes for previous drafts and the bibliographies I put together of trans autobiographies. The numbers are greater than I remember, and I am very glad that some of the biographies I have collected together are annotated. I have pulled out about 6 pages of different texts that I think exemplify the different trans autobiographies that have been published in the last 50/60 years. The patterns that I will seek to draw out I hope are exemplified there – namely the medically informed accounts (those that are fore-worded by gender identity clinic practitioners), the “famous” accounts (those written by people who are for one reason or another appear in the public eye), the “different” accounts (those that present more “unique” situations – first trans parents narrative, trans family member narratives, small town trans narrative etc.) and finally “overtly activist” accounts (the more recent accounts written by activists/educators/theorists). There is a chronological shift, but this is much less clear than one might originally suspect. I will outline this briefly, along with the ways these accounts are theorised and positioned in trans theory. I will mention the most commonly cited texts, those that are most commonly positioned as the exemplars of trans autobiographical narrative and position these in relation to the texts that (a) aren’t referenced and (b) the most recent texts, those that I am focusing upon.

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As anyone who has subscribed to this blog will know, that I am not a very good “blogger”. I write very irregularly and then usually a snapshot of a day and then absolutely nothing for months on end. I consider it to be the equivalent of starting a diary on the 1st of January of any new year with the firm intention of documenting one’s life for posperity and then just as firmly giving up completely 2 weeks later.

However, I have decided to give this forum another go with something much more focused. ( Read more... )

Inspiration is hard to come by. I have been stressing quite a lot recently about my thesis. Combine that with not one but two family holidays (which actually for the most part have been lovely... but still "family holidays") and you get a special level of stress. However, my dearest Sofia is a master, or is that mistress, of inspiration. Recently, when she has seen my temperature rising and the angst taking over she has somehow managed to find the one thing that gets my juices (creative that is) flowing again. The first time, she took me aside and gave me,… well a damn good seeing to. And Eureka! I had a breakthrough – no afterwards… I had a creative breakthrough for my thesis. That was two days ago. And today. Yet again, the stresses were rising as my father was trying to figure out how to pack the car…… Sofia stopped me in mid-freakout with the insistence that she massage my cuticles and paint my nails. No, its not a euphemism… it was quite literal and let me tell you, my muse came through again the star that she is. And I had another lovely Eureka moment. So who can say what she will think of next. All I can say is that I am very very grateful to have her with me in all the ways that she is magnificent. This just being one of them.

So 19,354 words (plus 3000 words of footnotes and 251 words of appendix) will soon be winging its way through the ether to my tutor in the form of my latest chapter in the continuing saga of thesis-ness. I really hope she likes all those words. And I really hope that they make sense. Especially the bits about the impossibility of determining the existence of God, or the existence of "identity" for that matter....

I think I need a lie down.

Or perhaps an epidural.

Ok so I thought I would write this here instead of on the messageboard that inspired me to write because (a) I have somewhat sworn off the board, despite the occasional sneaky checking in now and again and (b) because i imagine that this will be discussed in wider terms by both queer and non-queer types for days to come.

Does that make sense? Anyway, on this particular messageboard some of the respondents suggested that Rowling in outing one of the main characters in her book was doing so for (a) money and (b) attention. Also they were unhappy about the character not being overtly gay in the text and questioning whether this was a "new" decision Ms Rowling had made.

Here is what I wrote in response, but didn't post on the board (remembering my recent decision for abstinence):


"I imagine with all the film and merchandising, not to mention reprinting, income she will "be richer than the queen" for a very long time to come. Despite the fact that all she has to do is write anything else and she will make a mint on top of that due to "name" value alone.

I don't think this is about money or attention - she has plenty of both... there was speculation about dumbledore's sexuality online way before this.

I believe this is a genuine revelation and i think a lovely one because it informs the text, whether "after" for those who have already read it or "during" for those who will read it in the future. It is well documented that the creative writing process does involve forming backstories for characters that aren't included in the text, and when reading a book i really like, it is always a treat to find out these tidbits. Like reading "Lyra's Oxford" or reading some of the interviews with Phillip Pulman after reading his series "His Dark Materials".

As far as having anything to gain, revealing a main character is gay in what is considered "the" childeren's series in recent history IS brave and i imagine could put her future work at risk no matter how "big" she is now.

And... as far as including it in the text, I like that he happens to be incidentally gay. I think in that sense it is its own statement to reveal it now, when she has no other reason too. Besides there clearly was enough subtext there already to fuel speculation before this revelation.

And even if he weren't gay the text reads very much as a "call for tolerance" one of the reasons why i like the books so much. One can argue about the content and style - myself included (especially in relation to the female characters) - but the overal message is a strong and good one. And that it is so popular with younger readers makes me very hopeful that that message will sink in. The revelation that one of the characters is gay, hopefully will only strengthen that message."

Yes, indeed, it is the wee hours and I am awake with no real sense of sleep anytime soon. It is a recognisable feeling and something I have reconciled with long ago. In short I am kind of used to it. I used to have insomnia quite a lot and it used to really freak me out until i realised that the best thing for me to do when i couldn't sleep was get up and do something else. It has really worked for me and usually means i don't get it so often and when i do i only get it one night in a while, and i usually get a lot done. So I have spent the evening corresponding with those that I have not corresponded with recently, and now I turn to the blog that I have been meaning to write for some time now.

I haven't really known how to begin it, and in this moment of sleep-deprived stream of consciousness I shall try to both begin and end some kind of journal of what has been happening these last few weeks.

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Ok so I am writing this on a train in the 1st class compartment using their free internet access, sipping a complimentary cup of tea.... how wanky can you get. Not that I am doing it maybe (it all comes curtesy of the Gothenburg Queer Festival that I just performed at this weekend) but that I mention it, especially at the top of my journal entry.

I shall try to counteract this wankiness with the caveat that I mention this as one of the examples of the craziness that has been my first week of Northern Living (namely having just moved to Sweden and this being the end of my first seven days here).

Ahem... Anyway, yes, I now live here... is the sentence I say to myself and my partner Sofia about once an hour for the last couple of days. It is slowly beginning to sink in though that has taken something of a back seat to the hecticity. I arrived early Monday with 2 huge bags and a new back problem after spending the entire weekend packing vast amounts of crap into said bags and many more that I had to leave at my former residence to be retrieved in the second week of June whence I return to London town for visitation and work. Me and my new back problem pass out next to my beautiful partner in our new home in Stockholm after I spent the day frantically unpacking, emailing and ringing to sort out the rest of my week and the weeks coming up and a wonderful dinner that left me with what I can only describe as a "food baby". Tuesday saw a visit to Sofia's sister and her partner and brand new baby. Suuuuuuper cute kid - all he does is eat and sleep... aaah 'tis the life. Wednesday was yet more organising for the Gothenburg festival, filming with swedish tv on Monday and also Transfabulous work (which includes performing at the conference on Friday, speaking alongside some of the biggest trans icons/writers like ever, and then presenting my curated show at the end of the weekend). Oh heavens, on to Thursday which involved seeing the unbelievably long Priattes of the Caribbean 3 (still trying hard to find the goodness in it - I like some of the ideas, but oh the execution which during some sequences you may just start to long for) and then out to LASH, stockholm's own naughty girlie club (which brought with it a lovely bright end to the day, get it, huh huh). Finally Friday and off to Gothenburg. What a festival let me tell you and what a crazy day. First off the festival is everywhere and in every major cultural building in the city. Super cool. The venue is a huge museum, massively intimidating to fill but very cool. Meet lovely people and enjoy performing even though it is hard to gauge the huge crowd. Many weird and wonderful events follow into the evening which I am not sure are fit to print. Anyhoo, many many memories.

And then came Saturday. Sofia and I had decided that it would be lovely to spend the rest of the weekend in Gothenburg. We both thought that the holiday would really be lovely. We went to the amazing venue that one of Sofia's friends had lent us for the night and promptly sat down to plan the afternoon and evening ahead. And there we hit upon the snag. We couldn't come up with anything. It was daunting, and frustrating. It was annoying and even a little painful. We had a whole day with so many possibilities and couldn't think of anything to do with it. We both got grumpy instead. It was like we had been going at a hundred miles an hour and suddenly come to a dead stop and couldn't think of what to do.

We went through the options, and like two petulent 6 year olds could only come with "don't wanna" to every suggestion. But it went deeper than that too. It seemed like neither of us had had a moment to spare since I had got there and now that we had time, everything was kind of catching up. It certainly was true for me. I felt a little overwhelmed and I looked back on the week and how nervous and stressed I had been and getting every little thing done had put me quite an edge. Sofia too was exhausted and felt pressured to respond to the beautiful venue and city we were in and instead just needed some space.

I don't think either of us have had a lot of time this week to truly come to terms with what has happened. I have moved here. It is wonderful, magical, amazing, and also completely life changing and neither of us has even started to get used to that.

So we went shopping.

We bought a stereo, a kettle (the really expensive one that we both wanted and not the cheap one we really should have bought), a blue answering machine and a pink phone (we love the irony), and even two mettle brackets to hang the flower bins off our balcony. We then went back to the venue and talked, watched tv, slept on the couch and ate food... ok, we did end up using the venue to good effect :-). But my point is we needed to settle first.

The tension ran in to today too and we really got pissey with each other. And had to have another talk and in the end realised that what we both wanted was to be home and to settle in a little. It was a good realisation and once we had come to that both our moods improved until now, I am on the train heading home and thinking how nice it will be to sink into the huge bed with Sofia and start getting really used to living here with her.

(see i did work in the pertinence of the train... and now to sit back in my huge chair and have another tea.... aaaaaah).